Okay, sooo...sorry again.
But TRUST ME. I haven't been neglecting this for two days because I wanted to. I've literally spent all of five minutes on my laptop since Tuesday.
Jen and I have so many stories to share with you it's ridiculous! But before we do that (VIDEOblog), we have a guest post from two unfamiliar (but soon to be, familiar) writers.
I was told by them beforehand that I "might want to preface this in such a way as to distance [myself] from [them] in case of any cyber-riot that might occur as a direct result of this post." But I will definitely not distance myself from these two geniuses.
Prepare to be entertained America.
"How to Not Die" By: Drew and Jordan E.
If you were to look back a few days ago in this esteemed blog’s entries, you would find a mention of “family friends” that Aranda stayed with for her first few days in the incomparable 49th state. We (my brother and I) are 40 percent of those friends.
While on a routine boat expedition into the nooks and coves of Seward’s Resurrection bay, Aranda graciously accepted (after a few hours of attempted bribery with coffee) to allow us to guest-write in her already critically acclaimed and famous online journal. We would like to take this time to formally thank her (ANYtime) (and apologize beforehand) for giving us this opportunity.
But now that we’ve got my foot in the door, we face a fairly daunting roadblock: What to write about?
Thanks to a well thought out suggestion by our mutual and best friend, Aranda, we came to the conclusion on what to monologue about. This topic is near and dear to a good many of humans hearts, and well it should be. The object of this post is: Not Dying.
Let us be honest, we are subject matter experts on the art of not dying. Part of our resume’ is the fact that we’re still alive. This coupled with the number of times that we have nearly compromised this mission allows us unique insights that only come from nearly failing.
Interesting fact: during the previous paragraph, I (older brother) accidentally impacted my head on the ceiling with enough force to cause photographs in the adjacent areas of the house to fall off of shelves. This, I believe, allows for even more authority on the subject we are discussing. If not, then it’s just a fun little side note that will be included in the “Making of” DVD.
This complex art of Survival cannot be mastered through mere guesswork and trial and error, though both of these may be used copiously throughout, and only in the proper context. Rules must be followed in order to Stay Alive.
The first is simple. Keep foreign objects of mass out of your outer and inner sanctum (do not confuse with rectum, though foreign objects should stay clear of that as well).
A quick glance at the terms used in rule number one: Outer Sanctum- The protective layer of organic fabric that keeps all of the Inner Sanctum in place and away from public observation. This layer is also referred to as “epidermis”, “Skin”, and in some subcultures: “Tattoo Canvas”. Inner Sanctum- The stuff that makes your Combined Sanctum continue to tick. Things such as heart, kidneys, yesterday’s cornmeal, and in some rare cases, swim bladders make up the Inner Sanctum.
So in theory, keeping objects from disrupting either sanctum is one of the key components of Staying Alive. Predictably, we will now move on to step Number Two.
Continue Respiration at all times. This may come as a bit of a newsflash to some, and to others it may be painfully obvious, but we feel that this piece is fairly underrated. This rule has a few sub-rules that should be adhered to for best results.
Regular breathing. This can be achieved through the intake of oxygen into the lungs and then swapping that for the carbon dioxide and other harmful gases that chill inside your body. One should be careful, almost picky, about which gases that are taken in, as some are not as effective at maintaining a living state than others. E.G. Chlorine gas or paint fumes are poor choices.
Exception: Liquid environment. It is highly inadvisable to attempt to continue respiration in the event that one is in a situation that involves large amounts of liquid and very few gills. The human body does not like to inhale liquid, and will sometime go on strike if too much liquid is brought into the Inner Sanctum. The strikes may become violent if the liquid levels are critical, and the revolts will eventually bring about a state of chaos which will ultimately lead to unionizing, followed VERY shortly by a ceasing of living.
It should be noted that this goes for ALL liquids, ranging from dihydrogen monoxide (A.k.a. Water, A.k.a Agua) all the way to Acid of any type. These all produce negative results in the way of breathing, except liquid oxygen. The only problem with liquid oxygen is that its temperature is usually pretty close to -368.77 degrees Farenheit, which means that you’ll have bigger problems when trying to ingest it.
Moving on. There are many different specific examples on how not to die, such as resisting the urge to lob throwing darts at Highland Gorillas while in their enclosure at the zoo, or not eating live coals on a dare. There is potential need for thousands of specific step-by-step rules in order to cover all of the proverbial bases in this game of Not-Dying, but if one follows the essentials provided here and then applies a small dose of common sense, the chances of living past 35 increase by about 18 percent.
Both of us brothers would like to thank you for your patience, time, and patience during this whole ordeal. We hope that you are slightly more confident in yourselves and in the validity of this blog because of this post. Please continue to hold Aranda and this mysterious “Jen” (whom we have never met) in the highest respect.
Thank you, and God bless.
Drew and Jordan Edwards
